Life...

Life, that thing that every time you think you’ve got it figured out, changes the game. It’s unpredictable, follows no rules, no plans, people try constantly to guess the meaning of it, define what makes a good one, but the only thing guaranteed about life is that no one is getting out of it alive.

In the meantime though, I’m learning to live my own life. . .

For children it’s easy. It’s like the little story of a teacher who asks each kid in her class what they want to be when they grow up. She hears many of the typical answers from her class - a policeman, a firefighter, a teacher, etc. When she gets to the last little boy in the class she asks, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” His answer, “Happy.” The teacher tells him, “I think you missed the point of the question.” He looked at her and said, “No, I think you’ve missed the point.”

Somewhere along the way, as we grow older, what makes us happy gets colored over with the things that make our families, our partners - even society - happy. It’s easy to fall into that routine, getting through each day trying to keep the people around you happy so that things are easier for you. It's convenient really because it gives you an excuse, a scapegoat to take the blame when your heart starts telling you you're not happy.

It takes guts to get out there and live - especially when what makes you happy is radically different from what makes the people around you happy and even more so when getting happy involves turning your whole life upside down and going against the grain of those around you. I'm not talking "Braveheart-charging-into-battle" courage. I'm talking about that tiny voice at the end of the day saying "I'm going to try again tomorrow" kind of courage.

I know because I've been there.

In school, I dreamed of many things as young people often do. I dreamed of having passionate affairs. I could see myself a single mom, but not really married. I dreamed of being a writer, of leaving my small hometown and its factories to travel. Mostly though, I dreamed of finding that one person who would love me without conditions, without limits - the one who could set my world on fire. 

The fact of the matter for that last "dream" however, is that I was never popular with the guys. I hung out with lots of them, but I was the more of the little sister or one of the guys. That and my desperation to be loved would be the undoing of the dreams of my youth.

At least for 21 years.......

I let my dreams be sidetracked by someone else's. Granted I thought in the beginning that our dreams were the same. He was in a band, he wanted to travel. He asked me to marry him and 5 years into dating - I found out he was cheating. That should have been it, I know. Hindsight is 20/20 but after 3 months apart and no one showing interest in me, that familiar fear of loneliness set in and I believed his apologies and promises that it wouldn't happen again were sincere. Within a year we were married. Turned out, he was the only one traveling. My job didn't allow me to take off every Friday. So I spent countless weekends alone. One year into the marriage, I got a call from a man saying my husband was sleeping with his wife. Again, my desperation and fear of being alone kicked in and once again I believed his lies that nothing happened. These gigantic "little clues" continued to surface every year, and every year I pushed them to the back of my mind. I didn't want to admit I was wrong about him, that the marriage was a mistake and huge disaster. Even after my son was born, the clues rolled in and I let them roll off my back. I had a different focus with a baby in the picture and the ex had the perfect cover for his double life. I was what his parents expected of him - a home life, a wife & family and every Friday he rolled out of town, out of state to play the role of some rock star. After so many years of internalizing the little clues, of ignoring what deep down I knew, after ignoring my own dreams and setting my own happiness on the back burner for so long, my self-esteem was at rock bottom and I had become numb inside and good at putting on that happy face for everyone around me. I had always told myself, "If I just had real proof, I'd leave." My own happiness wasn't a good enough reason to leave. I spent the better part of 21 years thinking I wasn't worthy of being truly happy.

They say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I got my proof in spades...that, and a life turned upside-down.

Most people are perfectly content to continue in situations where they're borderline happy or even flat-out miserable because of comfort and a fear of starting over. When I found myself on my knees in the dirt, I may not have been able to see where I was headed because of all the dust but I knew I was getting up off of my knees.  

I had my out - the hard way, but I had it. I didn't get vindictive or spiteful - I got my 18 boxes of personal things, half of my son's stuff and left. 

Funny how in the midst of chaos there can be clarity. Maybe it's because when you have a million things going through your mind that you don't have answers to, the only thing that can get above that noise is your heart. Even though my mind couldn't begin to deal with everything it would take to start over...my heart knew it had its chance.


My heart knew I deserved better (even if I didn't believe it.)
My heart knew it was tired of living a lie (even though it had become habit.)
My heart knew I could handle whatever was heading my way (even if I wasn't so sure of it.)
My heart knew that my life was supposed to be more than it had been so far (even though I had seemed to give up on myself.)
and most importantly........
My heart knew the person I needed in my life the second our eyes met (and wouldn't let me  walk away even when things were tough.)


In many respects, a life spent following your heart isn't easy. Your heart doesn't care about income and bills. It can make you do things you wouldn't do "if you were thinking straight". Following your heart through life can make many people around you question your sanity and treat you like an outsider. But in another respect, it can be the easiest life. Sure things may aggravate me during the day, that's life, but I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. 
I smile and laugh, every day.


My life may not be an easy one but it's a very happy one now, and best of all...
it's MY beautiful crazy... life...