I realize different people who read my blog will take away different views and opinions, some will still see it as an explanation or excuse regardless of how I mean for it to be taken. Other people aren't something that is within my control, hell, I'm sometimes beyond my own control.
The simple fact of it is this, each of us lives within our own "reality". Each of us is a walking breathing result of the experiences we have had and continue to have, and this is just my reality. Whether we like it or not, whether we're aware of it or not, our experiences color how we interact with and react to everything and everyone around us. They become an unconscious mechanism that we use as a guide, a measure and sometimes a defense system in our lives.
I'm no different than anyone else - I'm guilty of allowing myself to lose sight of the fact that I'm actually in control of my life, that I deserve to be happy, that I can - at any time - change my choices and change my life.
I spent too many years with a man who was never faithful because I never felt like I was worth more. I can't explain that any clearer. It took a very long time for me to see that truth about myself and change it. It took concrete proof of his infidelity to set me free - to make me feel justified in pursuing my own happiness. For most of the relationship I told myself, "If I just had proof". Another truth is that I had that proof in many forms over the years (including my gut instincts which I pushed aside yearly) but I was too scared of being alone to walk away, too insecure about myself to start again. Different people through those years knew I wasn't happy, but no one ever said to me "You deserve to be happy" or "You need to think of yourself". And it's really my own fault for allowing him to turn me into a doormat. It's my fault for believing his lies, the lies his friends backed up, it's my fault for ignoring the obvious signs of his infidelity, it's my fault for buying into his "poor me" routine and forgiving him time after time. There were times that I never confronted him but rather silently forgave him in the face of proof.
I had to apologize to myself for not standing up for me. I had to apologize to myself for wasting so much of my life. I had to apologize to myself for giving up on me. I had to apologize to myself for lying to me, for selling me and my dreams short, for thinking I wasn't worthy of being happy. I had to apologize to myself for hiding away worried about what others may think, or how they may perceive me. I had to apologize for trying to force myself in molds that other people created for me - like a round peg in a square hole, my heart knew it wasn't a good fit but I put on a smile and played the role.
I had to figure out why I let myself get where I was in order to leave that place...
I had to stop and think about why I was making the choices I made...
I had to take responsibility for myself and my decisions...
I had to find faith in myself again...
I had to be aware of myself...
I had to love myself...
I had to be me...
I know that my family has trouble accepting my choices sometimes, but then, a lot of my parents generation, as the generations before them, weren't the type to really talk with each other. They talked about the day, what's for dinner, what so-and-so did or said, but they didn't talk about dreams or what made each of us tick. Life was just a day to day thing that you settled into and got through. That was my example, my experience, growing up. It affected the decisions I made in my first marriage and in my life up until the age of 39.
This may be a little off topic for now, but I'm a mom and all of this "awareness" made me realize something. When a child is born, we aren't disappointed in them. For the first few years, we have no disappointment in them, moments of embarrassment maybe, but not disappointment. We actually find joy in their growth as a person. Children, as they learn to speak possess a unique - sometimes funny, sometimes embarrassing - honesty. They charge through life the only way they can, as themselves. Children learn to edit their honesty and themselves according to their parents' disappointment and expectations (which they pass along having learned from their own parents, from society, from their own personal disappointments and the ways in which they let themselves down). I can honestly say I haven't been disappointed in my son (embarrassed yes, but that doesn't go without repayment in full). He is himself, in spite of me or his father. All I want for him his happiness. There's no promise of an easy life, but happy is attainable, and in the last two years I've learned that happiness breeds happiness.
I'm aware now of the influence my experiences exert in my life and I work to stay conscious of what is motivating my reactions and decisions. I'm making decisions based on me, my happiness, and what fits for me, not what makes me fit with others.
I'm happy being beautiful crazy...Me...
