I always hung out with my dad and uncles and male cousins. That was my preference hands down. Growing up I hated dresses, I hated fixing my hair, I always had a basketball, football or baseball close by, I was covered in dirt and catching bugs from the second I got outside. That was fun. If I was around the females of the family I was cleaning or cooking and constantly being fussed at for the way I sat or talked or chewed food. Not so fun. Grape Ne-his and armpit farts or "chew with your mouth shut"; dirt covered knees or "sit like a lady"; building a fortress in the woods or "clean your room"; a real no-brainer for a girl that seems to have been hard-wired to think more like a guy.
My dad taught me to read at the age of 3 and thanks to my dad's and uncles' collections of Playboy and Penthouse magazines (and an overactive sexual curiosity that has been present for as long as I can remember) I figured out quickly what makes most men tick and was, I'll bet, the only 1st grader who knew what fellatio and cunnilingus are and how to say those words, before I knew the more common terms for them - hey, I'm good at sounding things out. I was boy crazy by first grade and unfortunately for me (but fortunately for my dad) I just didn't have that certain something that made boys crazy for me. So, I spent the bulk of my school years - college included - being one of the guys, which gave me some great insight into your world.
(Sorry guys.....this is sooo my husband and son!!)
Another thing that makes you guys crazy in my book are all the double standards by which a lot of you try to exist. I'll rephrase that.....that a lot of you try to exist by when you're young. When you're dating you want a bad girl, when you marry you're looking for the good girl. Right..... like you would buy a car without test driving it. A guy can behave like a common whore and get high fives but a woman who has sexual conquests is treated like a whore. You can make an Olympic sport out of farting and burping, but Heaven forbid a woman does either in your presence much less on a date. You'll play hardball to get ahead in the world but a woman who plays hardball is labeled a bitch. See where I'm coming from? These are labels and standards that were placed on women by a male-dominated society. Is it really a surprise we can be crazy?? On the other side of that coin though, I know these attitudes also get handed down to guys - "be the man", "be the boss", "be the provider". Believe me when I say that's great by me as long as you're not a knuckle dragging caveman about it. I understand that many of you have a great deal of self-worth and pride wrapped up in being able to live up to that role particularly when you had a male figure like that present in your youth. I LOVE a MAN. Take charge but don't be a raging ass. Get doors for people, seat a woman first. Real men do cry, the catch is they cry for a legitimate reason - not because you busted them for something they shouldn't have been doing - like the neighbor. For me though, something else I learned from men, is that you don't apologize for being guys. I guess that's why I don't apologize for being me, even as crazy as I can be. You do the guy thing, I'll do the girl thing.
Like us, you've grown up with social expectations, and women's books these days just preach about how men should change to suit us. Horse shit! Unlike us though, you have that extra something known as testosterone. (Of course if we use that as the cause of your brand of crazy, then we get to use "estrogen" - it's only fair.) All I expect is for you to be a man - know how to fix some things, don't be a puss about getting dirty, be protective of me, etc. I don't need a guy to change for me, I don't have the time for making a person - if you're not what I want I'll be sure to speak up and let you know, but I'm always nice about it. Remember that when your delicate ego feels bruised the next time a female you hit on "shoots you down" - she's just done you a favor because she let you know up front that you're not her type, that even if she gave it a shot, there will be things about you that down the road she'll want to change. You took a chance, and face it, you know full well there was a reason that you picked her from the whole table of females - it's called attraction. It's a fact of life that lots of folks like to deny affects their decisions and choices - oh, but not men. You will stare at a hot female without apology whether you look like Dwayne Johnson or Urkel - and the nerve to talk to a hot chick is not determined by how a guy looks. So for you young bucks out there who haven't figured all of this out, the next time a female who doesn't measure up to your standards expresses an interest in you, be flattered and be nice, no laughing it up with your buds while she's still in earshot. It takes a lot of nerve for one of us to do what seems to come naturally to you.
You men are living breathing examples of "flip sides" - that's the best way I can say it. Yet, we're supposed to be able to duck-and-weave our way through your maze of flip sides but our flip sides throw you for loops as if we're only supposed to be one way. Men, or at least, the best of you, are beautiful concoctions and combinations of contradictions that run the gamut from little boy to badass. You're taught - and some of you are still hard-wired (grunt!) - to be providers, but the flip side is that you actually love being taken care of (whether you readily admit it or not), even babied and fussed over (in private) and I won't even start on what gi-normous babies you are when you're sick. You're taught to be tough, be a man, and given the appropriate setting and sometimes just the right amount of alcohol, any of you will strut like a banty rooster (which FYI, is not something that all of you can pull off). But when confronted with a toddler and a toy cell phone you WILL have a conversation with whomever or whatever is at the other end of that imaginary line, kids have unrestricted permission to color in any tattoos you may have, your niece can put as many hair bows in your beard as will fit, and you will sneak to get them toys and candy in spite of what mom has said. See where I'm going? I don't think I need to continue. I personally accept and love those "flip sides" - all I ask is that you just offer the same appreciation for my various sides. (And no, I do not mean "front side", "back side", "side boob" or any other "side" that the male mind instantly wanders off to visit.)
BOOBS...
conclusive proof
that men can concentrate
on two things at once!
You guys also appear to possess super powers, that's right, I said super powers. But not the ones you're thinking, I'm sure. I'm referring to the super powers us women call "selective" - as in "selective hearing" - you know, that's the one you use when you want to have no prior knowledge of events in which you don't really wish to participate. Then there's "selective vision", that's the one that enables you to have us bring you things that you just can't find (even when they're in an obvious place). Hmmmm.....maybe that's what's at work when you open the door of a full refrigerator only to find absolutely nothing to eat. Of course the smartest ones of your species have endearing follow-ups that you use in an attempt to conceal these super powers. Usually, it's something like "What would I ever do without you?" (To which I know the answer...you'd cook, clean and keep track of your own things.)
Maybe there are differences in men depending on where they're born and raised. There seem to be anyway. I'm not personally into metro guys with all the manscaping and manicures, not into guys that don't know how to make basic repairs to their vehicles or homes, and not into emo, punk, girly-men with skinny pants and facial piercings. Don't like musician types or long haired, artsy-fartsy guys either. I don't want a guy who's into the feminist movement, poetry, etc. I like a M-A-N!! I grew up watching Grizzly Adams and the Duke boys, listening to outlaw country and riding on bikes with my dad and uncles. I grew up with wood stoves in our homes, men who changed their own oil in their vehicles and didn't pay other people to do things they were able to do themselves like yard maintenance. I know these things don't come naturally to every guy, hell, every time my dad took something apart to "fix" it there were always extra pieces left over. And I'm also not saying that a man can't be into music or take care of his appearance. But a dude showing off his stomach with his faux tan and "duck face" doesn't say "man" for me. That's just me though - there are lots of women out there with lots of different emotional and physical requirements and God bless you men, there are just as many varieties of you. I'm sure those guys appeals to some members of the female species out there though, because otherwise the male species wouldn't do it. You are after all, the majority of the time, motivated by women. Face it, once you discover the "wonderful" amusement park world of women, you become lifetime season-pass holders, waiting in line for the park to open then rushing through the gates like a 10-year-old boy as soon as they do - with no regard for the consequences of being ill-prepared for said ride.
(Much like the guy on the left in this sling shot ride video...)
And...because you're men, you'll keep hitting the same types of rides until they make you sick. And isn't that often one of YOUR complaints about women? "Why do they go for the bad boys all the time? Why do they keep going out with assholes?" Why do I know nice guys who keep going back to crazy (and I mean gouge out your eyes with a salad fork crazy) women, women who just use them for things, women who are bitches? You're just as guilty - as a species - of this type of behavior. So, Mr. "Nice Guy", you can quit whining about the female species. And BEFORE you "nice guys" get your briefs in a wad - which a truly nice guy wouldn't do in the first place - I am the first one, when confronted by a girlfriend who's crying about why "guys keep treating her the way they do", to point out to her that maybe if she made better choices in men and changed her own obvious choice patterns then things would change. Therefore whining to me about your bitch of a girlfriend will get you the same woeful lack of sympathy that that whining girlfriend gets. Yeah, I've probably got fewer "girlfriends" than the average girl.
Now to a fun topic, since I discussed "boobs" and how they affect male and female thought processes concerning the woman with or without them we might as well go there for the men too....
I don't know what little boys dream of being when they grow up - I wasn't a boy. But I'm guessing if most little girls dream of being beautiful women when they grow up I'm going to guess that most of you dream of having a huge dick. I know it doesn't always work out for you guys that way - I've seen pictures - but here's your reassurance, our parts come in different configurations too. Some of us need girth, some of us enjoy length, some of us need strong emotional connections...and some of us are just "pigs" who really need a big dick. (Don't get pissy gals, isn't that what the insecure girls without certain assets call the guys who chase the girls who have what they don't?) Own what you have, learn how to work it, ask the woman/women you're with what works what doesn't, build a library of techniques - it's that simple. Don't be a pig in the conversation - unless of course she happens to be a blunt and very to the point kinda gal herself. If she can't tell you or show you what turns her on, if she won't discuss sex, if she's pretty much a one-trick-pony on top of these other things, you've got yourself a fish that can't swim and won't ever swim. Here's another tidbit for you guys about women and sex - I can boil us gals down into three groups sexually. Whether it's in the upbringing, a side-effect of bad experiences or they've just never had it good enough to pique their interest, there are women who don't like sex. I have also heard of men who don't like sex so that's okay. Just remember that sometimes there are legitimate reasons for the lack of interest in sex so being a jerk about it or begging constantly isn't going to change it. (However, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if your last 10 girlfriends weren't that into sex with you, it's probably your technique -same goes for you ladies.) The second group are the ladies who like sex - and use sex - for what they think they can get from men and how much control they can exert over men. I am so sorry, but if you get yourself into a situation with one of these women and can't recognize it - or won't, and can't cut the rope - or won't, my opinion is that you're getting what you deserve. I suppose that female would be our version of the guy who only wants sex - and ladies, if you find yourself on the receiving end of booty calls don't bitch to me about it if you won't quit being a doormat. The third category is women who do enjoy sex, don't use it as a weapon, don't use it for leverage, don't withhold it, etc. The sum of what you need to know is that few of us actually care how much you're packin' - although an honest idea of what we'll be working with is always good. Kinda like how you feel about super padded push up bras when they hit the floor.
(Thank you Dr. Sheldon Cooper for summing up what we need to know "For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing." Although I don't suggest this as an introduction...)
Honestly, there are probably lots of women who think I'm letting the male species slide, but I really don't have a lot of complaints about men. Maybe it's because I grew up a Daddy's girl, maybe it's because I was always one of the guys, I don't know why. I'm sure the things I don't mind about my husband, I probably would mind in a guy with a different personality, different appearance, different set of bedroom skills...
Maybe I don't mind the typically "guy" things because being one of those women who's always been "one of the guys" I understand that man or woman, we're all just human with the same basic needs.
That's why I'm happy letting boys be boys, and men be...Beautiful Crazy....Men
Maybe I don't mind the typically "guy" things because being one of those women who's always been "one of the guys" I understand that man or woman, we're all just human with the same basic needs.
That's why I'm happy letting boys be boys, and men be...Beautiful Crazy....Men
