I've been back and forth for days about even writing this down, much less posting it - worried about hitting a nerve (a concern that is a left over symptom from being a doormat.) But then I stop, and I remember that there were plenty of folks who weren't too concerned about fraying my nerves as I've ventured along in life. Writing is my outlet - my way of venting - and if being concerned about how you're perceived is an issue for you, you need to learn to be nice to everyone cause you never know when you'll end up in a book. This really isn't about any kind of revenge though, after all, I'm not naming names. I'm not even trying to lay blame anywhere, just educating.
“When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn't feel so terrible. This is pleasing--it demonstrates a certain sophistication. She wonders if his fling might even serve her. In principle, she could leave him without compunction now, though she doesn't wish to. It also frees her from guilt about any infidelities she might wish to engage in. All in all, his affair might prove useful.”
“When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn't feel so terrible. This is pleasing--it demonstrates a certain sophistication. She wonders if his fling might even serve her. In principle, she could leave him without compunction now, though she doesn't wish to. It also frees her from guilt about any infidelities she might wish to engage in. All in all, his affair might prove useful.”
I was always the quiet one, never complaining, always understanding, forgiving - a lovely little doormat upon which people could clean their filthy feet. This isn't about bashing the ex though (or exes since my history has multiples), as I said, my part in this was allowing it to happen, turning a blind eye to the clues and indicators along the way. I could have followed the band out of town but he counted on my poor sense of direction (back in the days before GPS) and I deferred to it. There were several doctor's visits that I could have really used to my favor (fortunately all things that medications would fix, nothing I would be left with for life.) There were phone calls to the house, letters in the mailbox and 9 times out of 10 I kept quiet because I ended up being the one apologizing for being jealous or suspicious after the lies were spun. I was the one who was told I was crazy if I brought it up with him, and if I actually got the backbone to confront a gal, I was told point blank early on not to upset someone who paid to see the band. See, I'd never really had boyfriends growing up so I thought he was the best I would be able to do (especially when everyone else I had been out with broke up with me, cheated on me - or was just nuts). Hell, we broke up once while dating over an assumed affair, found out about 2 actual affairs and still took him at his word when he swore to "never do it again".
(Yeah, I know...)But you see, "musician" isn't really a requirement for cheating because there are women out there so desperate for any affection that they'll knowingly pursue men that aren't on the market. There are women who wrap their value in their ability to get any man - insecure women who treat getting a guy away from another woman like a game. To say I've encountered a few varieties of prowling women would be an understatement.
Bottom line is if your guy cheats, it's because you allow it. Women are typically blessed with a sixth sense for when things are wrong. Remember the line from George Carlin?
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
No man is so smart that he'll never be caught cheating. The smart man will own it, apologize if he wants to keep his girlfriend, wife, etc. and will become transparent to show he's truly sorry. The problem can be though, that if he's stupid enough to cheat, and is straight up about being taken, then he's probably found one of those rabbit-cooking crazy women. Yes, they exist, I also know some of these women personally.
Haven't taken a music pause in a post lately so let's enjoy one now... (I love these two by the way!)
For a while, I saw affairs as the guy's fault. I mean, they're good at lying and females are raised on fairy tales and happily ever after and "my love will change him" bullshit, so I never went off on any of the females. (Well except for the one poor thing dumb enough to put her phone number in a letter she sent.) I'm not looking to go off per se, more just offer a little schooling to the "other women" out there, and you know your stupid asses are out there. I'll pause a moment and let you get pen and paper to take notes...............
Relax, I'm sure you have that much down, honey, you just don't have the perspective of the third party in your affair. That's what I'm offering. See, I got that I was stupid, started getting that a year into a 15 year marriage. Why do you suppose I quit wearing my own wedding band after a year? (Mind you, I didn't say I wised up a year into things - it didn't hit like a ball peen hammer blow to the head, it was more like a leaky faucet that took a long time to fill the sink.) You're the one missing where you're being stupid.
Just like the woman you're blindly affecting by sleeping with a taken man, her man, I had reasons to stay. First of all, my parents weren't keen on him to begin with so I couldn't just swallow my pride and admit being wrong about him. I was also playing the scenario of "I must be doing something wrong, therefore I can do this, fix this, handle this" in my head. So, #1 there's pride, something a woman who plays the role of "the other woman" all ready doesn't have. Oh there's certainly pride in the demeanor of the other woman - a sense of pride in her appearance or assumed skills but let's label that correctly, that's vanity.
At another point, there was a child in the equation, another person who had to be considered. And there you have #2, selflessness as opposed to selfishness. While selflessness can go to the extreme of becoming a doormat (ahem), selfishness will often result in someone being used, hurt, etc.
That's the foundation, the cellar so to speak, which is about as highly as I can think of a woman who actively pursues a man who isn't available. Don't feed me the horseshit "but I didn't know he was taken". Females are nosy by nature and with Facebook, Google and some gossiping they can find out anything they want to about a guy and every girl he's ever been with... EVER. Granted, there are women out there who are the box-of-rocks-for-brains variety of stupid (and men too, I know guys who are the ones that get cheated on over and over) but in general women are smart, often exceptionally people-smart, so don't bother playing stupid about knowing a guy is spoken for all ready. I hate to break it to you, but if you're screwing a taken guy, you're just average, sweetheart. You probably think that about the woman you're deceiving, but you are every bit as common and average as you think she is because you also refuse to hold yourself to a higher standard and don't believe you deserve better. You think a cheating man is a great catch? Even if you win him over, in the end, what you have is a cheating man. Period. I'm not saying that a man who finds himself in a bad situation and makes a mistake can't learn from it and be sorry and change, but a man who consistently cheats and stays with his wife until she's finally done with him will not change, at the very least he will not ever see cheating as a problem or own any responsibility for it. It will forever be someone else's fault.
I was the one who tolerated affairs so I can tell you the things that are going on in a cheater's wife's head. I always told myself "if I just had proof" then I'd be able to walk away. See, I had signs and symptoms of affairs but I wasn't ready (for whatever reason) to walk away. It was partly pride, partly selflessness and consideration of the fact that I had a child, partly fear of being alone and having to handle things completely alone. But, "other woman", before you spout off at the mouth that you're independent and do things on your own remember you're chasing after a man - someone else's man. That's just as big a sign that you don't like being alone any more than the woman you're betraying, otherwise you'd be waiting on the guy that's meant for you rather than wallowing around with someone who doesn't think you're worth being their only one. And aside from that, chasing a taken man and rationalizing it with "but he provides for her and she's horrible to him so imagine how good he'll be to me" shows me that you have no sense of self or what you really need or want in a relationship - you're just pining after something you think someone else has. Trust me, a person will not have the same dynamics with two different people (unless of course they strictly look for a type or have preset responses because they're carrying too much baggage around, but that's a lesson for another post.) Maybe you think he's so wonderful that she "doesn't deserve him." Well, you're right about that, she deserves better. She deserves someone who appreciates her. Guess who gets the piece of shit when the wife wises up? I suppose the biggest reason I stayed was just no self esteem or confidence and a lack of feeling that my own happiness was every bit as important as everyone else's. That and facing that annoying bit of truth in the quote above - I just wasn't worth the truth. Do you really think his pretty lies are truth? Do you think his wife at home is really as horrible as he says? Puzzled by why he stays with her? Can't make those stories jive, can you? See honey, you aren't worth the truth to him either. And if you stop romanticizing things for a moment, maybe you could see that if she is a bitch, maybe it's because she knows she has a good damn reason to be.
My point is that if two people truly have feelings for one another, the adult way to handle it is to end any existing relationships and then sort through your feelings. There's much less mess that way. An affair is a complication, a distraction, it's not a relationship. "But he says all the right things, he cares for me, loves me..." You remember high school? You know that players exist right? You don't really believe you're the only woman he's said those things to do you? Do you really think if this was a "meant to be thing" that he'd stay with someone else? But you'd wait for him to leave, seems like the feelings are a bit lop-sided....(Spelling this shit out makes me feel like I'm a junior high guidance counselor. And yes, I say this to my friends that ask these kinds of questions.)
Maybe you're just in it for a thrill and foolish enough to think it's your own "dirty little secret". First of all, if you're embarrassed for people to know "who" you're doing, you need to refer back to the first picture in this entry. Second, if you're playing the other woman knowing that he's taken and that he's done this before, then obviously you aren't going to be a secret - you're nothing more than another bragging point, a notch on the proverbial bed post of life. So be ready for the talk and lack of sympathy. and remember this quote...
“He wasn't yours to get hurt by. He was someone else's and you knew that, so why are you offended? What right do you have to be hurt when you were a part of the deception (lying by omission)?” ― Donna Lynn Hope
This should go without saying, especially now, but I know for a fact there are folks out there who think a clean appearance must mean disease free, but if it was only the folks who looked like crack whores and homeless people that carried sexually transmitted diseases, we wouldn't have the STD problems that we do. It's one thing to be in a committed trusting relationship and not using protection against STD's - it's another gamble entirely if you're bed hopping. Educate yourself.
I've had friends who had affairs and thought nothing of it and know people devastated by them. I have girlfriends who are constantly approached by married (aka "separated" guys) - and they will all tell you that I shoot straight with them too about where I stand on this issue (if they come to me about it).
Once you're finished being defensive about what I've said, maybe, just maybe, you'll realize (and this is for all the part-time women, the cheaters and the ones being cheated on...)
you are the only one who truly knows what you need and want in a relationship.
what happens in your life is what you allow to happen in your life.
your happiness is yours and you need to hold onto the key.
you are in control of who you allow in your life.
what happens in your life is what you allow to happen in your life.
your happiness is yours and you need to hold onto the key.
you are in control of who you allow in your life.
you deserve to be more than part time.
So stay open for that Beautiful love - don't fall for the Crazy one.
