Affairs

I've been back and forth for days about even writing this down, much less posting it - worried about hitting a nerve (a concern that is a left over symptom from being a doormat.) But then I stop, and I remember that there were plenty of folks who weren't too concerned about fraying my nerves as I've ventured along in life. Writing is my outlet - my way of venting - and if being concerned about how you're perceived is an issue for you, you need to learn to be nice to everyone cause you never know when you'll end up in a book. This really isn't about any kind of revenge though, after all, I'm not naming names. I'm not even trying to lay blame anywhere, just educating.


“When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn't feel so terrible. This is pleasing--it demonstrates a certain sophistication. She wonders if his fling might even serve her. In principle, she could leave him without compunction now, though she doesn't wish to. It also frees her from guilt about any infidelities she might wish to engage in. All in all, his affair might prove useful.”  

―Tom Rachman, The Imperfectionists

        

Affairs are definitely crazy, and the only beautiful thing I could come up with was the quote I found and shared above (the quote above my normal smart mouthed reaction to affairs). I lived through affairs, not just emotionally but physically, literally, lived through them. In the end, when I was ready face the truth and own my responsibility in allowing them to take place, I had that freedom, that lack of "compunction", and had just enough guts and strength left to walk a different path. That path didn't come without it's own accusations against me - but as I'm sure anyone who's lived with lies and affairs can attest to - when you've hit your limit, done everything you can, shut down to protect yourself, lost weight and sleep, the fairy-tale you've sold yourself on turns nightmare, when the comfortable numbness gives way to rage, and you learn everything you thought you had was built on lies - you're done. And when you're done, there's no more trying and no more looking back, there's only forward. I'm the one walking in my shoes, so what you get is my perspective, me.....

I was always the quiet one, never complaining, always understanding, forgiving - a lovely little doormat upon which people could clean their filthy feet. This isn't about bashing the ex though (or exes since my history has multiples), as I said, my part in this was allowing it to happen, turning a blind eye to the clues and indicators along the way. I could have followed the band out of town but he counted on my poor sense of direction (back in the days before GPS) and I deferred to it. There were several doctor's visits that I could have really used to my favor (fortunately all things that medications would fix, nothing I would be left with for life.) There were phone calls to the house, letters in the mailbox and 9 times out of 10 I kept quiet because I ended up being the one apologizing for being jealous or suspicious after the lies were spun. I was the one who was told I was crazy if I brought it up with him, and if I actually got the backbone to confront a gal, I was told point blank early on not to upset someone who paid to see the band. See, I'd never really had boyfriends growing up so I thought he was the best I would be able to do (especially when everyone else I had been out with broke up with me, cheated on me - or was just nuts). Hell, we broke up once while dating over an assumed affair, found out about 2 actual affairs and still took him at his word when he swore to "never do it again". 

(Yeah, I know...)

But you see, "musician" isn't really a requirement for cheating because there are women out there so desperate for any affection that they'll knowingly pursue men that aren't on the market. There are women who wrap their value in their ability to get any man - insecure women who treat getting a guy away from another woman like a game. To say I've encountered a few varieties of prowling women would be an understatement.

Bottom line is if your guy cheats, it's because you allow it. Women are typically blessed with a sixth sense for when things are wrong. Remember the line from George Carlin? 

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

No man is so smart that he'll never be caught cheating. The smart man will own it, apologize if he wants to keep his girlfriend, wife, etc. and will become transparent to show he's truly sorry. The problem can be though, that if he's stupid enough to cheat, and is straight up about being taken, then he's probably found one of those rabbit-cooking crazy women. Yes, they exist, I also know some of these women personally.

Haven't taken a music pause in a post lately so let's enjoy one now... (I love these two by the way!)

For a while, I saw affairs as the guy's fault. I mean, they're good at lying and females are raised on fairy tales and happily ever after and "my love will change him" bullshit, so I never went off on any of the females. (Well except for the one poor thing dumb enough to put her phone number in a letter she sent.) I'm not looking to go off per se, more just offer a little schooling to the "other women" out there, and you know your stupid asses are out there. I'll pause a moment and let you get pen and paper to take notes...............

Relax, I'm sure you have that much down, honey, you just don't have the perspective of the third party in your affair. That's what I'm offering. See, I got that I was stupid, started getting that a year into a 15 year marriage. Why do you suppose I quit wearing my own wedding band after a year? (Mind you, I didn't say I wised up a year into things - it didn't hit like a ball peen hammer blow to the head, it was more like a leaky faucet that took a long time to fill the sink.) You're the one missing where you're being stupid.

Just like the woman you're blindly affecting by sleeping with a taken man, her man, I had reasons to stay. First of all, my parents weren't keen on him to begin with so I couldn't just swallow my pride and admit being wrong about him. I was also playing the scenario of "I must be doing something wrong, therefore I can do this, fix this, handle this" in my head. So, #1 there's pride, something a woman who plays the role of "the other woman" all ready doesn't have. Oh there's certainly pride in the demeanor of the other woman - a sense of pride in her appearance or assumed skills but let's label that correctly, that's vanity.

At another point, there was a child in the equation, another person who had to be considered. And there you have #2, selflessness as opposed to selfishness. While selflessness can go to the extreme of becoming a doormat (ahem), selfishness will often result in someone being used, hurt, etc.

That's the foundation, the cellar so to speak, which is about as highly as I can think of a woman who actively pursues a man who isn't available. Don't feed me the horseshit "but I didn't know he was taken". Females are nosy by nature and with Facebook, Google and some gossiping they can find out anything they want to about a guy and every girl he's ever been with... EVER. Granted, there are women out there who are the box-of-rocks-for-brains variety of stupid (and men too, I know guys who are the ones that get cheated on over and over) but in general women are smart, often exceptionally people-smart, so don't bother playing stupid about knowing a guy is spoken for all ready. I hate to break it to you, but if you're screwing a taken guy, you're just average, sweetheart. You probably think that about the woman you're deceiving, but you are every bit as common and average as you think she is because you also refuse to hold yourself to a higher standard and don't believe you deserve better. You think a cheating man is a great catch? Even if you win him over, in the end, what you have is a cheating man. Period. I'm not saying that a man who finds himself in a bad situation and makes a mistake can't learn from it and be sorry and change, but a man who consistently cheats and stays with his wife until she's finally done with him will not change, at the very least he will not ever see cheating as a problem or own any responsibility for it. It will forever be someone else's fault.

I was the one who tolerated affairs so I can tell you the things that are going on in a cheater's wife's head. I always told myself "if I just had proof" then I'd be able to walk away. See, I had signs and symptoms of affairs but I wasn't ready (for whatever reason) to walk away. It was partly pride, partly selflessness and consideration of the fact that I had a child, partly fear of being alone and having to handle things completely alone. But, "other woman", before you spout off at the mouth that you're independent and do things on your own remember you're chasing after a man - someone else's man. That's just as big a sign that you don't like being alone any more than the woman you're betraying, otherwise you'd be waiting on the guy that's meant for you rather than wallowing around with someone who doesn't think you're worth being their only one. And aside from that, chasing a taken man and rationalizing it with "but he provides for her and she's horrible to him so imagine how good he'll be to me" shows me that you have no sense of self or what you really need or want in a relationship - you're just pining after something you think someone else has. Trust me, a person will not have the same dynamics with two different people (unless of course they strictly look for a type or have preset responses because they're carrying too much baggage around, but that's a lesson for another post.) Maybe you think he's so wonderful that she "doesn't deserve him." Well, you're right about that, she deserves better. She deserves someone who appreciates her. Guess who gets the piece of shit when the wife wises up? I suppose the biggest reason I stayed was just no self esteem or confidence and a lack of feeling that my own happiness was every bit as important as everyone else's. That and facing that annoying bit of truth in the quote above - I just wasn't worth the truth. Do you really think his pretty lies are truth? Do you think his wife at home is really as horrible as he says? Puzzled by why he stays with her? Can't make those stories jive, can you? See honey, you aren't worth the truth to him either. And if you stop romanticizing things for a moment, maybe you could see that if she is a bitch, maybe it's because she knows she has a good damn reason to be. 

(Sure we could spin it that way - sometimes it's true - sometimes she's just a bitch...but if she is and a guy is that unhappy, it's time to nut up and fuckin' leave himself...)

My point is that if two people truly have feelings for one another, the adult way to handle it is to end any existing relationships and then sort through your feelings. There's much less mess that way. An affair is a complication, a distraction, it's not a relationship. "But he says all the right things, he cares for me, loves me..." You remember high school? You know that players exist right? You don't really believe you're the only woman he's said those things to do you? Do you really think if this was a "meant to be thing" that he'd stay with someone else? But you'd wait for him to leave, seems like the feelings are a bit lop-sided....(Spelling this shit out makes me feel like I'm a junior high guidance counselor. And yes, I say this to my friends that ask these kinds of questions.)

Maybe you think it's not hurting anyone, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. The problem with that train of thought is that she knows. Whether she's faced the truth yet is another story, but trust me, if a woman is being cheated on, she knows. Unless she's just that gullible, in which case she should seriously look into joining a convent. Trust me on this though, damage is being done - to self-esteem, confidence levels, the ability to trust, the ability to love one's self - and not just to the wife, but my guess is that if you're comfortable with being "the other woman" you all ready have that damage.

Maybe you're just in it for a thrill and foolish enough to think it's your own "dirty little secret". First of all, if you're embarrassed for people to know "who" you're doing, you need to refer back to the first picture in this entry. Second, if you're playing the other woman knowing that he's taken and that he's done this before, then obviously you aren't going to be a secret - you're nothing more than another bragging point, a notch on the proverbial bed post of life. So be ready for the talk and lack of sympathy. and remember this quote...

 “He wasn't yours to get hurt by. He was someone else's and you knew that, so why are you offended? What right do you have to be hurt when you were a part of the deception (lying by omission)?”   ― Donna Lynn Hope

This should go without saying, especially now, but I know for a fact there are folks out there who think a clean appearance must mean disease free, but if it was only the folks who looked like crack whores and homeless people that carried sexually transmitted diseases, we wouldn't have the STD problems that we do. It's one thing to be in a committed trusting relationship and not using protection against STD's - it's another gamble entirely if you're bed hopping. Educate yourself.

I've had friends who had affairs and thought nothing of it and know people devastated by them. I have girlfriends who are constantly approached by married (aka "separated" guys) - and they will all tell you that I shoot straight with them too about where I stand on this issue (if they come to me about it).

Once you're finished being defensive about what I've said, maybe, just maybe, you'll realize (and this is for all the part-time women, the cheaters and the ones being cheated on...)

you are the only one who truly knows what you need and want in a relationship.
what happens in your life is what you allow to happen in your life.
your happiness is yours and you need to hold onto the key.
you are in control of who you allow in your life.

you deserve to be more than part time.

Everyone is worthy of their own passionate love - their own. 

So stay open for that Beautiful love - don't fall for the Crazy one.

Men...

They say if you look closely, you'll find that men are at the root of all of women's problems - MENstrual cramps, MENopause, MENtal illness, MENtal breakdowns, GUYnecologist, HISterectomies. Truthfully, I've been there and done that and know guys that would send me into screaming hissy fits and conniptions if I had to deal with them for more than 10 minutes. Now fellas, don't get your tighty-whiteys in a bunch thinking this is going to be some man-bashing rant. Quite the contrary, if you read my blog on women then you know that I am quick to point out how crazy women are and that that fact alone is enough to keep me a very happy heterosexual woman. I actually LOVE men - seriously, genuinely appreciate and LOVE men. But I won't go on record saying y'all ain't crazy cause you men happen to have created your own special kind of crazy.

I always hung out with my dad and uncles and male cousins. That was my preference hands down. Growing up I hated dresses, I hated fixing my hair, I always had a basketball, football or baseball close by, I was covered in dirt and catching bugs from the second I got outside. That was fun. If I was around the females of the family I was cleaning or cooking and constantly being fussed at for the way I sat or talked or chewed food. Not so fun. Grape Ne-his and armpit farts or "chew with your mouth shut"; dirt covered knees or "sit like a lady"; building a fortress in the woods or "clean your room"; a real no-brainer for a girl that seems to have been hard-wired to think more like a guy.

My dad taught me to read at the age of 3 and thanks to my dad's and uncles' collections of Playboy and Penthouse magazines (and an overactive sexual curiosity that has been present for as long as I can remember) I figured out quickly what makes most men tick and was, I'll bet, the only 1st grader who knew what fellatio and cunnilingus are and how to say those words, before I knew the more common terms for them - hey, I'm good at sounding things out. I was boy crazy by first grade and unfortunately for me (but fortunately for my dad) I just didn't have that certain something that made boys crazy for me. So, I spent the bulk of my school years - college included - being one of the guys, which gave me some great insight into your world.

You guys get away with a lot but I'm here to tell you that having hung out with you for so long now, I know your tricks. For example, you know how to do laundry quite well, no bachelor hits the town to prowl for women wearing pink socks and underwear, yet for some reason, some of you suddenly lose that skill in a woman's presence. You mix whites with colors, set the dial to warm wash and rinse, and reset anything else you can possibly set wrong while we're in close enough proximity to see, and what happens? Many of us will instinctively take over doing the laundry to get it done "right". Unless you happen to be dating or married to a woman like my mom that really wouldn't give a rat's ass if you went to work in tighty-pinkies. (Again, these observations began at home for me.) The same type of brain fart will overpower the male mind whenever he is within 12 feet of a stove or sink as well (that is, when a woman is in viewing range.) And that's okay with me, I'll own up to using similar tactics when I don't really enjoy a task. I have to say that I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to observe and learn from some of the best at these strategic gambles. Just remember they are "gambles" especially in this day and age, because you are more likely to encounter women who will gladly let you go hungry subsisting on food particles that you lick off of the used dishes while wearing pink underwear and socks - all the while filming you so that she can post it to Facebook or YouTube. After all, women are crazy - I all ready established that as my reason for not being bi-sexual or a lesbian.

(Sorry guys.....this is sooo my husband and son!!)

Another thing that makes you guys crazy in my book are all the double standards by which a lot of you try to exist. I'll rephrase that.....that a lot of you try to exist by when you're young. When you're dating you want a bad girl, when you marry you're looking for the good girl. Right..... like you would buy a car without test driving it. A guy can behave like a common whore and get high fives but a woman who has sexual conquests is treated like a whore. You can make an Olympic sport out of farting and burping, but Heaven forbid a woman does either in your presence much less on a date. You'll play hardball to get ahead in the world but a woman who plays hardball is labeled a bitch. See where I'm coming from? These are labels and standards that were placed on women by a male-dominated society. Is it really a surprise we can be crazy?? On the other side of that coin though, I know these attitudes also get handed down to guys - "be the man", "be the boss", "be the provider". Believe me when I say that's great by me as long as you're not a knuckle dragging caveman about it. I understand that many of you have a great deal of self-worth and pride wrapped up in being able to live up to that role particularly when you had a male figure like that present in your youth. I LOVE a MAN. Take charge but don't be a raging ass. Get doors for people, seat a woman first. Real men do cry, the catch is they cry for a legitimate reason - not because you busted them for something they shouldn't have been doing - like the neighbor. For me though, something else I learned from men, is that you don't apologize for being guys. I guess that's why I don't apologize for being me, even as crazy as I can be. You do the guy thing, I'll do the girl thing.

Like us, you've grown up with social expectations, and women's books these days just preach about how men should change to suit us. Horse shit! Unlike us though, you have that extra something known as testosterone. (Of course if we use that as the cause of your brand of crazy, then we get to use "estrogen" - it's only fair.) All I expect is for you to be a man - know how to fix some things, don't be a puss about getting dirty, be protective of me, etc. I don't need a guy to change for me, I don't have the time for making a person - if you're not what I want I'll be sure to speak up and let you know, but I'm always nice about it. Remember that when your delicate ego feels bruised the next time a female you hit on "shoots you down" - she's just done you a favor because she let you know up front that you're not her type, that even if she gave it a shot, there will be things about you that down the road she'll want to change. You took a chance, and face it, you know full well there was a reason that you picked her from the whole table of females - it's called attraction. It's a fact of life that lots of folks like to deny affects their decisions and choices - oh, but not men. You will stare at a hot female without apology whether you look like Dwayne Johnson or Urkel - and the nerve to talk to a hot chick is not determined by how a guy looks. So for you young bucks out there who haven't figured all of this out, the next time a female who doesn't measure up to your standards expresses an interest in you, be flattered and be nice, no laughing it up with your buds while she's still in earshot. It takes a lot of nerve for one of us to do what seems to come naturally to you.

You men are living breathing examples of "flip sides" - that's the best way I can say it. Yet, we're supposed to be able to duck-and-weave our way through your maze of flip sides but our flip sides throw you for loops as if we're only supposed to be one way. Men, or at least, the best of you, are beautiful concoctions and combinations of contradictions that run the gamut from little boy to badass. You're taught - and some of you are still hard-wired (grunt!) - to be providers, but the flip side is that you actually love being taken care of (whether you readily admit it or not), even babied and fussed over (in private) and I won't even start on what gi-normous babies you are when you're sick. You're taught to be tough, be a man, and given the appropriate setting and sometimes just the right amount of alcohol, any of you will strut like a banty rooster (which FYI, is not something that all of you can pull off).  But when confronted with a toddler and a toy cell phone you WILL have a conversation with whomever or whatever is at the other end of that imaginary line, kids have unrestricted permission to color in any tattoos you may have, your niece can put as many hair bows in your beard as will fit, and you will sneak to get them toys and candy in spite of what mom has said. See where I'm going? I don't think I need to continue. I personally accept and love those "flip sides" - all I ask is that you just offer the same appreciation for my various sides. (And no, I do not mean "front side", "back side", "side boob" or any other "side" that the male mind instantly wanders off to visit.)

BOOBS...

conclusive proof

that men can concentrate

on two things at once!

You guys also appear to possess super powers, that's right, I said super powers. But not the ones you're thinking, I'm sure. I'm referring to the super powers us women call "selective" - as in "selective hearing" - you know, that's the one you use when you want to have no prior knowledge of events in which you don't really wish to participate. Then there's "selective vision", that's the one that enables you to have us bring you things that you just can't find (even when they're in an obvious place). Hmmmm.....maybe that's what's at work when you open the door of a full refrigerator only to find absolutely nothing to eat. Of course the smartest ones of your species have endearing follow-ups that you use in an attempt to conceal these super powers. Usually, it's something like "What would I ever do without you?" (To which I know the answer...you'd cook, clean and keep track of your own things.)

Maybe there are differences in men depending on where they're born and raised. There seem to be anyway. I'm not personally into metro guys with all the manscaping and manicures, not into guys that don't know how to make basic repairs to their vehicles or homes, and not into emo, punk, girly-men with skinny pants and facial piercings. Don't like musician types or long haired, artsy-fartsy guys either. I don't want a guy who's into the feminist movement, poetry, etc. I like a M-A-N!! I grew up watching Grizzly Adams and the Duke boys, listening to outlaw country and riding on bikes with my dad and uncles. I grew up with wood stoves in our homes, men who changed their own oil in their vehicles and didn't pay other people to do things they were able to do themselves like yard maintenance. I know these things don't come naturally to every guy, hell, every time my dad took something apart to "fix" it there were always extra pieces left over. And I'm also not saying that a man can't be into music or take care of his appearance. But a dude showing off his stomach with his faux tan and "duck face" doesn't say "man" for me. That's just me though - there are lots of women out there with lots of different emotional and physical requirements and God bless you men, there are just as many varieties of you. I'm sure those guys appeals to some members of the female species out there though, because otherwise the male species wouldn't do it. You are after all, the majority of the time, motivated by women. Face it, once you discover the "wonderful" amusement park world of women, you become lifetime season-pass holders, waiting in line for the park to open then rushing through the gates like a 10-year-old boy as soon as they do - with no regard for the consequences of being ill-prepared for said ride.

(Much like the guy on the left in this sling shot ride video...)

And...because you're men, you'll keep hitting the same types of rides until they make you sick. And isn't that often one of YOUR complaints about women? "Why do they go for the bad boys all the time? Why do they keep going out with assholes?" Why do I know nice guys who keep going back to crazy (and I mean gouge out your eyes with a salad fork crazy) women, women who just use them for things, women who are bitches? You're just as guilty - as a species - of this type of behavior. So, Mr. "Nice Guy", you can quit whining about the female species. And BEFORE you "nice guys" get your briefs in a wad - which a truly nice guy wouldn't do in the first place - I am the first one, when confronted by a girlfriend who's crying about why "guys keep treating her the way they do", to point out to her that maybe if she made better choices in men and changed her own obvious choice patterns then things would change. Therefore whining to me about your bitch of a girlfriend will get you the same woeful lack of sympathy that that whining girlfriend gets. Yeah, I've probably got fewer "girlfriends" than the average girl.

Now to a fun topic, since I discussed "boobs" and how they affect male and female thought processes concerning the woman with or without them we might as well go there for the men too.... 

I don't know what little boys dream of being when they grow up - I wasn't a boy. But I'm guessing if most little girls dream of being beautiful women when they grow up I'm going to guess that most of you dream of having a huge dick. I know it doesn't always work out for you guys that way - I've seen pictures - but here's your reassurance, our parts come in different configurations too. Some of us need girth, some of us enjoy length, some of us need strong emotional connections...and some of us are just "pigs" who really need a big dick. (Don't get pissy gals, isn't that what the insecure girls without certain assets call the guys who chase the girls who have what they don't?) Own what you have, learn how to work it, ask the woman/women you're with what works what doesn't, build a library of techniques - it's that simple. Don't be a pig in the conversation - unless of course she happens to be a blunt and very to the point kinda gal herself. If she can't tell you or show you what turns her on, if she won't discuss sex, if she's pretty much a one-trick-pony on top of these other things, you've got yourself a fish that can't swim and won't ever swim. Here's another tidbit for you guys about women and sex - I can boil us gals down into three groups sexually. Whether it's in the upbringing, a side-effect of bad experiences or they've just never had it good enough to pique their interest, there are women who don't like sex. I have also heard of men who don't like sex so that's okay. Just remember that sometimes there are legitimate reasons for the lack of interest in sex so being a jerk about it or begging constantly isn't going to change it. (However, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if your last 10 girlfriends weren't that into sex with you, it's probably your technique -same goes for you ladies.) The second group are the ladies who like sex - and use sex - for what they think they can get from men and how much control they can exert over men. I am so sorry, but if you get yourself into a situation with one of these women and can't recognize it - or won't, and can't cut the rope - or won't, my opinion is that you're getting what you deserve. I suppose that female would be our version of the guy who only wants sex - and ladies, if you find yourself on the receiving end of booty calls don't bitch to me about it if you won't quit being a doormat. The third category is women who do enjoy sex, don't use it as a weapon, don't use it for leverage, don't withhold it, etc. The sum of what you need to know is that few of us actually care how much you're packin' - although an honest idea of what we'll be working with is always good. Kinda like how you feel about super padded push up bras when they hit the floor. 

(Thank you Dr. Sheldon Cooper for summing up what we need to know "For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing." Although I don't suggest this as an introduction...)

Honestly, there are probably lots of women who think I'm letting the male species slide, but I really don't have a lot of complaints about men. Maybe it's because I grew up a Daddy's girl, maybe it's because I was always one of the guys, I don't know why. I'm sure the things I don't mind about my husband, I probably would mind in a guy with a different personality, different appearance, different set of bedroom skills...

Maybe I don't mind the typically "guy" things because being one of those women who's always been "one of the guys" I understand that man or woman, we're all just human with the same basic needs.

That's why I'm happy letting boys be boys, and men be...Beautiful Crazy....Men 

 

Love...

Love comes in many forms. There's the love of a family - often strained and tested, because families are more times than not made up of people who may never have chosen one another otherwise. There's the love of friends - transient and fickle at times because people come and go, but for those who are blessed with a life-long friend it's steady and true and chosen. But this isn't about those kinds of love. This is about the other kind of love, the kind that most people yearn for and seek out whether they possess any true understanding of it or not. This is about the love that buckles your knees, that sweeps you off your feet, the romantic love that many people give up on finding.

Fairy tales are just that...fairy tales. They leave out the day-to-day, real-life things like bills, kids, families, jobs, etc. These are the things that can cause the glow of romantic love to fade. People can smother love, choke the life out of it with insecurities and fear.
People can mistake jealousy for love, anger for passion, and completely misconstrue the reality of a relationship all because the heart gets involved. Face it, love can make people act crazy. It can turn a world upside-down or set it right. It can make you run or steel you against anything. I suppose like anything else in life, it's all about your perspective, your collected experiences, and your willingness to try.


My favorite fairy tale always was (and still is) "Beauty and the Beast".


"Yes, yes," said the Beast, "my heart is good, but still I am a monster."
"Among mankind," says Beauty, "there are many that deserve that name more than you, and I prefer you, just as you are, to those, who, under a human form, hide a treacherous, corrupt, and ungrateful heart." ~ Jeanne-Marie Le Prince de Beaumont Beauty and the Beast.


I think I always got that about love, that in its truest form it goes beyond what's on the outside, that it can transcend the physical limits of the people involved. Maybe my life would have been easier if I had perfected the frail woman role of Snow White so I could be rescued, or simply dreamed of the fancy dresses and home of Cinderella and looked for a wealthy prince. But that's me, chase after the loftiest idea of what love is with the tenacity of a mother wolverine.

Most of my attempts at having this kind of reciprocated love were failures. Hell, all of them until my current husband. Lots of people have this notion that by loving someone with everything you have, you can fix them or change them somehow or that they'll want to change for you. I wasn't any different in the beginning, I didn't try to change anyone, I just foolishly thought they'd think enough of me to change certain things. Well I can tell you this, you can't fix someone who doesn't want fixing or doesn't think anything is wrong. You also can't fix stupid...or cheaters, liars, nut-jobs, and the clueless.


What I always wanted - yearned for - was a passionate love. My parents are a generation, it seems, that thinks love just fades into the everyday and that passion naturally goes away with time, that it's not meant to last. I honestly can't recall them holding hands much less kissing. I wanted excitement, a deep connection, a man who wanted me, couldn't keep his hands or his eyes off of me, who kissed me like he wanted to be inside me, who would take me when he wanted me, who made no secret of how much he wanted me...I could go on and on and on. 


What I learned from my first marriage is that wanting something badly and working to have what you want don't amount to shit when you want something from someone that they just can't give. I'm reminded of something he said numerous times, "Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up fastest." I finally figured that one out as far as he was concerned.

But I woke up, smelled the shit and moved on......


Another funny thing I've learned about love is that you don't get to plan it. Love has it's own plan, it's own schedule. You can't plan when you're going to fall in love any more than you can plan who it will be with. If you're thinking that you can, you may want to dig out those little papers called "restraining orders" that you tossed aside and brush up on some details.


When I met my new husband, falling in love was the farthest thing from my mind. I had just faced the realization that the first husband had been cheating on me, I didn't have a clue what to do, where to go or how to start over. Love was the least of my concerns. But God and fate have a way of intervening when it's needed most.


Honestly, I had suppressed my own desires and happiness for so long in the first marriage, overlooking the signs that it just wasn't right or good for me, that my subconscious was taking over. I'd been trying for years to kick-start some sort of passion. Finally, I was done begging for attention, affection and passion. I was losing weight and sleep. I would go out driving during the day, listening to music, always songs about passionate love and finding your way out of the bad places you end up in sometimes. 


But when I saw Tracy, my heart was up and running, faster than I could process what was happening. For the first time, my mind - weary with everything that was going on, couldn't override my heart. After so many years of being numb, finding that passionate love I had craved was frightening, all of my walls were down, finally, and I was determined not to let them go back up again. Of course that also meant feeling anger, rage, sorrow, the whole range of emotions, good and bad. But that's another lesson I learned, you can't have passion without all the other emotions. If you lock yourself away from pain, you also lock yourself away from joy.


This seems like it's rambling to me, I hope its not, but that's kind of what passionate love is like. It's like a wild rambling rose growing through every crack and gap, becoming a part of every inch it touches, holding tight with its thorns.


Other things I've learned about love...


You have to love yourself in order to find real love with someone else. If you can accept yourself, the good and the bad, and love yourself, then you'll be in a good place for loving someone else. It means you won't give up who you are or your dreams just to hold onto someone.

You have to know the things you want, the deal breakers, what you can deal with and what you can't. Stick to those things and don't settle. It's hard when you're lonely, I've settled out of fear of loneliness, so I understand completely but I've also had to recover myself at the other end of that scenario. If you walk into a relationship being 100% true to who you are - no dressing to impress, no tolerating things that you wouldn't normally tolerate, no going along with things to fit with someone - and it doesn't work out, then you haven't lost anything and there's no blame to place. If you're being you, and they're being true to who they are then it's all fair and there's no blame to place. If you've honestly done this a failed relationship doesn't make either of you wrong, it just makes you not right for each other. I know lots of people who go into relationships, ignoring things they don't like, thinking they can change the other person somehow, who - when it crumbles - can't see how they had any role in what went wrong.

Love doesn't solve life's problems and it doesn't just stick around needing no effort. You have to work at it. You have to make time for love and passion. If only one person is making the effort, eventually that one person will grow weary. If no one is trying...well, there's nothing there anymore, is there? Love needs space, time, patience, effort, forgiveness, a compass, an accomplice and it needs to be needed.


You can't force love. It either grows or withers, and that's completely dependent on you. I've heard it said that making a relationship last means falling in love with the same person over and over. I used to interpret that as meaning it was natural to fall out of love with someone and then you'd work to get it back. But I learned that it doesn't come back if it goes and if it goes, it has either simply run its course or it wasn't really love. Sometimes we fall in "love" with people because they're close enough to what we want, or as close as we think we'll get to it and we rationalize that "right now" person into the "right" person.

Love, quite simply, is everything it's cracked up to be - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the awful. I suppose the fact that it does have a down-side is why people can be skeptical of true love. And you really shouldn't be. I've been there. You can't control love, you can't pick who you fall in love with - timing, circumstances, situations, previous experiences - all play a part in how you react to everything else in your life including the people you meet. People come and go, some are there just to teach you something, some are there to get you through something, and when you've learned the things you needed to learn, and gotten through the things you needed to move through the door is wide open for the love that was intended for you all along.

I am loved in spite of my imperfections because I can look beyond those things in others...
I am loved for who I am because I can love people for who they are....
I am loved beyond measure because that is how I love...
and I can do this now because rather than running from love after going through the bad and awful of it I ran toward it. I learned from my experiences. I learned who I really am at my core and I learned to love myself. 


And now I have the thing I always knew I wanted...
A Beautiful, Crazy..........LOVE.....

Women...

Ask most men and they'll say that all women are crazy, and we may be. But it obviously works since they seem to have trouble living without us. (Although I will make it clear that when I say "crazy" I'm not talking about those chicks that come with papers - the stalking, obsessive, violent, delusional women. I just mean your standard run-of-the-mill female crazy.)

If you're close to my age then you know exactly who Mary Ann and Ginger are. My mother and my aunts were never the types of women who talked about what it is to be a woman. Their generation didn't seem to talk much about anything other than the day-in and day-out of life from what I recall. They worked, they kept homes and families - but I can't recall ever hearing any of them ever speak of dreams they had for themselves, of desires, of wanting or being able to be anything more or anything other than a homemaker and mom. I knew nothing more of my mom having a sex life than the fact that about once a month the bedroom door got locked. Sex wasn't a topic of discussion and I certainly never saw any of them get dolled up.

TV from my childhood didn't really help that either. Carol Brady - home and family; Mary Tyler Moore - career but no marriage, no kids; All in the Family, Happy Days, Little House on the Prairie - all home and family; Laverne & Shirley, Wonder Woman, Charlie's Angels - careers, troubled relationships, no kids. All of these shows seemed to say two things - 1. that a woman would have to choose between a successful career or a successful home life, and 2. that a woman couldn't be sexy and be taken seriously at a career and she couldn't be sexy and be married or a mom. Then there was Gilligan's Island with Mary Ann and Ginger the perfect example of splitting the "good" woman from the "bad" woman. 



Every boy I knew in my small world went back and forth between who they liked better and every girl went back and forth between which they'd rather be. On the one hand you had Mary Ann - the wholesome girl next door, the sweetheart, the one the guys would take home to mom then marry. On the other hand you had Ginger - the bombshell, the sexy bad girl who used her womanly ways to her advantage, the one the guys swooned over, dreamed about. Somewhere along the way, our society decided being a sexual woman could only exist separately from the day to day person we're expected to be and that "idea" began to be branded into our psyches from the time of mass communication's dawning age in TV, magazines, etc.


The simple fact is that women are complex creatures. Unfortunately we're also easily influenced and swayed into sacrificing parts of ourselves to "fit in" with one of society's roles for us. Who says we have to give up any part of ourselves though? If we don't allow ourselves to be crammed into molds to keep other people happy then we can be anything and everything we want to be. Many times though, fear is that deciding factor in our decision making process. I know how powerful fear is, I lived with it long enough that I lost the ability to recognize it, it had become ingrained in my daily life - keeping me from making the best decisions for myself, keeping me from being myself. On top of that, as women we wear so many hats on any given day (chauffeur, chef, maid, mother, wife, employee, etc.) that we often sacrifice the most womanly parts of ourselves - the sexpot, the flirt, the lover (and we all have those sides to us even if we're scared to let them out.)



There's not a little girl out there who, at some point, doesn't dream of being beautiful, growing up to be a "woman" with curves and long hair who makes boys go crazy. And every one of them should be told that she's beautiful - not to the point of creating tiny divas, just so that they become accustomed to hearing it and knowing when it's being said sincerely and from the heart. 


As we get older, competition and cattiness seems to set into a lot of women. All revolving around guys.....enter insecurities....enter crazy. I know women who snoop through their guy's things constantly - pockets, drawers, emails, phones. I know girls who do it to guy friends that they're not even dating!! I know guys have their own things that they worry about - but they don't (in general) obsess over things like how they look in their clothes - "is this too revealing, not revealing enough, does it make me look fat?" They don't worry about running into someone in a store when they're not looking their best. The don't gossip about who's with who, or any of the petty details that seem to become the focus of many women's conversations and sometimes lives. They don't see another guy with a girl and zero in on the guy the way women zero in on the woman. "Look at her, he's only interested in her because she's easy"," look at how she's dressed", "You know he's only interested in her body". Women will do that shit without even knowing either person in the scenario!!! You know it's true. Hell, I've even sat in church and overheard women whispering in the pews about such things. It's one thing to know someone personally, and I mean KNOW that person and make such a statement, but when I don't know the person/people myself, I try to remember that judgment is not my place and that unless you've been in someone's shoes you don't know what motivates them. Maybe women's focus goes to things like that because they've forgotten that they're capable of being exciting, of being a full on woman. Maybe they wish they had the body, the guts, the moxie, the "whatever" that another woman has. I sincerely do not know what motivates that behavior.

My husband and I were eating lunch with a male friend who made the comment that if he were a girl he wouldn't want for anything, that he wouldn't hesitate to use being female to his advantage and that it wouldn't matter how old the guy was. (This came about because he personally knows someone who has an 70+ year old wealthy "boyfriend" who's taking care of her.) Suddenly my "hamster" was wide awake and not just "turning the wheel" but running a marathon in it. I can say that I'm pretty sure I personally couldn't do that. I don't say I'm certain of it because desperation alters how people react to things. I just know that I prefer to have love in the relationship equation. I don't know the above mentioned gal so I can't say whether love is there or not, I just based this on how he stated he'd be if he was a woman.

I posed the question on our public race team Facebook page asking the guys "if you were a woman, would you use your feminine attributes to your advantage". The handful of guys who answered, did so with big "Hell yeah, I'd have a mattress sewn to my back". I asked to try to gain some insight as to whether it's men or women who are responsible for the misconceptions about and the labeling of women with big tits, the ones who dance for a living, the ones who model, etc. as loose or amoral or as sluts or whatever words get tossed out there to describe these women.  

I remember high school well, and honey, you couldn't pay me to go back. I was at one end of the spectrum - one of the girls on the edges of things, never popular, never part of any clicks, never dating, but I knew girls who were at the opposite end of things as well - the ones with killer bodies and the reputations associated with them, who were constantly asked out. I can see now how it was most likely as difficult for some of them then as it was for me. Constantly having it assumed that they're easy and stories being told on Monday morning (and knowing teenage guys and using a little hindsight, I'm sure some of the stories, if not most of them, were blown out of proportion, or fabricated for fear of looking like they couldn't score with someone with a rep.) 

I have high school classmates on our Facebook page who remember the "high school" me. But there's the catch. They have memories of me - we didn't hang out. They remember the quiet, awkward, painfully skinny me who was good at drawing and made good grades. They remember the me who had crawled into a social shell after years of rejection. If they knew me, they'd also know that my two closest friends from JH & HS were forbidden to speak to me or continue to hang out with me when their parents saw that I wasn't the type to put up with strict rules and told them they needed to stand up for themselves against their moms who screamed at them and hit them. Of course that didn't happen, I was cut loose. It hurt me a great deal but I understand, they weren't in positions where they could leave home. 

If my classmates knew me, they'd know I possess a temper - which I keep strictly controlled - one that causes me to scream and break things. I control it mainly because I don't vent this temper on others, the damage it does is primarily to my things and myself. My temper is so well controlled that my son is sensitive to me even raising my voice. Maybe not the best thing since he doesn't seem to understand that it's OK to get angry or how to deal with feelings of anger in constructive ways. Luckily he doesn't seem to have inherited much of my temper.

Did anyone in HS know that I've always dreamed of being in Playboy? It has nothing to do with being promiscuous. I've looked at "porn" magazines for as long as I can remember being able to find my dad's and uncles' stashes. I think the human body is beautiful, possessing lines and movement that only God and nature can create. Would I do it even being a mom? Hell yeah I would, especially being a mom. Having a kid doesn't mean women have to stop being sexual or desirable. I think lots of marriages fail because one partner (or both) forget how to connect sexually, romantically, passionately. But that's another blog. 

Did any of my classmates know that I dreamed of being a free-lance writer? Not just that, the whole scenario was that I'd be a free-lance writer, travelling the country and world, with lovers in different cities. I could see having a kid but I never saw being married. That's me though, (and I think, a lot of women) a walking bundle of conflicts. Decisions I made along the way are why I am where I am, as well as why I am who I am. Would I do some things differently if I could? Maybe a few things, but I wouldn't really want to alter who I am today. I'm learning to fit the conflicting pieces of me together into what's turning out to be a very challenging puzzle of a beautiful foreign landscape. But I digress... 

High school seems to be a difficult thing for a lot of women to leave behind, some guys, but more women. Looking back, the girls I remember that were well endowed actually played down their large chests for the most part. I'm sure it was as problematic for some of them as being flat chested was for me. But back then we were all still girls, trying to figure out what being a woman meant.  Not an easy thing to do with so many seemingly conflicting roles out there. 

We allow guys to play a big part in that. When we're dating, guys are often looking for exciting, fun, sexy girls. When they decide to get married enter Suzy Homemaker. But even married, a guy's head will turn at the sight of a pretty girl showing off the fact that she's a girl. (You can't say Suzy Homemaker doesn't notice the Brad Pitts, Javier Bardems, or George Clooneys, either.) But Suzy will most likely get jealous, or insecure, or catty or any combination of the aforementioned descriptives......and off we go, completely forgetting that once upon a time that probably was her. And who's fault is that? The kids' because that's when you gained the weight? Sorry, not their problem to bear. The husband's fault because he never notices you? Maybe that's it in some cases, but do you give him reason to notice? Your fault? Couldn't be, you're busy working, taking care of the kids and the house, driving to ball games and pageants, planning yard sales, attending PTO meetings, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera....

Yes, guys, as a whole, can definitely send out some mixed signals about what they want in a woman. But the ways in which we've learned as women to interact with men and that we would even treat "getting" a man like a competition, speak volumes for how far we haven't come. In the end I think the judgments, expectations, and criticisms that hold us back as women are ones we put on ourselves and other women. Most of us can figure out that a nice suit doesn't guarantee a nice guy, why can't we figure out that a woman who's comfortable with looking womanly and sexy isn't loose? Just because you've chosen to downplay certain aspects of being a woman, set aside one or more of the hats to wear others doesn't make you better or worse than another woman who chose different a different hat that day.

The funny thing for me - as someone who has been flat-chested and is now surgically well-endowed - is that I still dress the way I've always dressed. I didn't go out and get a whole new wardrobe when I got my implants - well, I did actually buy bikinis cause now I have something to put in them - my taste in clothes didn't change, it's just that I'm shaped differently now. Put a flat chested woman in a bikini and nothing is likely to be said about her character - put a curvy woman in a bikini and somehow it's a statement toward her character, a reason to question her motives for being seen. (There's nothing wrong with being flat-chested as long as it isn't bothering you to the point of interfering with your enjoyment of life. Like I've said, that was me not so long ago.) But a small bust in a bikini doesn't make that woman any more innocent than a big bust makes someone amoral.


 

There's nothing wrong with Mary Ann. I love to cook, I like evenings at home, I'm at my most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, bare-footed cooking a meal, singing along to the radio loudly and out of key. I'm honestly a lot more Mary Ann than Ginger. But personally I always wanted to be Ginger. Probably because I was never considered the pretty one - not in my family, not in school, not in social circles once I was grown. I was always awkward and quiet. I wanted to be beautiful, sexy, adored. I wanted the fancy dresses - although I usually just felt like a little girl playing dress up when the occasion would arise that I could wear one. I wanted to be looked at as beautiful, sexy, desirable. I just wasn't able to really see what was in my mirror - add in the rejection, being cheated on, always putting someone else's dreams and wants before my own and it made being the woman I really am a very difficult endeavor.

It's been a long hard lesson to learn, mainly because I had no one to tell me, but I'm getting there - I can be a good mom and still have an exciting sex life. I can be smart and still be sexy. I can be a great cook and I can do my grocery shopping in 4 inch heels if that's what I want to do. I can make my guy swoon then be the sweetheart that bandages his head from the fall. I can do anything I want to do - dream, explore, create my own life, change my mind, start over, love ferociously, be a cookie-baking mom, in other words, I can be a woman and EVERYTHING that "woman" encompasses. I don't have to pick between Mary Ann and Ginger. And I'm glad I figured that out before I ended up like Mrs. Howell!!!


I don't have any real girlfriends to hang out with, the ones who will hang out with me, well we're always busy and running on different schedules, or we just don't live anywhere near each other. If they're happy, I'm happy for them. A lot of women don't like me though, and I've run into that since I was a teenager, although I couldn't wrap my head around it then. I  actually still have trouble understanding it and it makes me proceed with caution when meeting women, I just don't let it bother me now, that's the difference. 


Would I ever want to be a guy? Not a chance in Hell. Why? Cause then I'd have to date a woman!! And although we may be wonderfully infuriating conglomerations of the best and worst that life offers,
it doesn't change the fact that we're....beautiful CRAZY....women...